If you’re a man reading this title, you are probably thinking, “Wha? That’s not possible.”

If you’re a woman reading this, how do you feel to hear that?

When a woman is upset with a man, (most arguments in couples seem to start this way) a man has two choices.

Either:

• Admit wrong (you’re right honey. I messed up/I’m such a _______/I’m so _______ <– insert judgement here)
• Run/disappear
• Begin ‘fighting back’ “Oh yeah, well you…”

In no way will he win.

Until now.

Here’s my story.

I got in the car.

She opened with “You *&$@$%% selfish piece of @$^#! How could you do this to me?”

Not exactly how I liked conversations with my beloved to start. I felt like a caged animal. Or someone in close quarters with a wild one.

She had picked me up from the station. With her emotions, I guess I was lucky she showed up at all. But maybe she did it just to give me a piece of her mind…

Here was the story. I had slept with someone. She didn’t like that fact.

From my perspective, it was within our agreements. It was also the same thing she had done/was doing. I didn’t see a ‘logical reason’ for her feelings.

So, what to do?

Run?

We had a four-hour car ride in front of us together on the way to a workshop. (Where the other woman would also be attending, coincidentally.) Nowhere to run.

What else?

Admit how much of a bad guy I was? Hope she would ‘calm down’?

Accuse her as well? “Oh yeah! You did it too!”

Instead, I said, “It sounds like you are pretty angry. I’m guessing you had a need for security maybe that wasn’t met?”

“Damn right I’m angry! Why do you men always hurt me?”

“I get it. Sounds like you are sad because you need some safety you didn’t get.” (Notice that already, she was talking about other situations in the past that she needed empathy for. We had triggered more feelings than just this event.)

“Yes, it’s just like my dad said: you’ll never find a husband. No man can put up with you!”

“I can imagine it was painful to hear and that your need for support and confidence was violated.”

She started to cry.

“He never loved me and neither has any other man.”

“Do the tears mean you are sad? I get that you need love.”

The conversation continued like this for almost the entire four hour drive.

She would say something.

I would translate it into a feeling and a need.

Repeat.

And what happened?

After doing this for four hours, she stopped.

She. Just. Stopped.

The clouds parted.

The sun came out.

Her shoulders dropped.

Her voice was calm.

She was relaxed.

It was like the whole thing had never happened.

Oh. My. God.

It was a miracle.

And I didn’t need to admit I was wrong or bad, apologize and beg and plead on my hands and knees?!?!?!

I didn’t need to run.

I didn’t need to hide.

I could stay connected.

I could stay in my center.

I could respect myself.

And, we could both feel heard and connect our hearts.

I said to myself, “This is it. This is the solution.”

Since then, I have been teaching these ideas to people who feel like they have unsolvable problems in relating with those they love.

They have worked with lovers, spouses, ex-partners (!), business partners, and even with children.

I’m happy to talk to you about how I can support you in getting what you want in relationships using these principles. Contact me using the contact page and we’ll set up a time to talk.

– Ryan Orrock

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Ryan has been helping people solve challenging issues around sexuality and relating for over a decade. Read more about him at www.ryanorrock.com